I Love You, Paps

As I get settled in my living room after spending much of the day at the hospital with my Paps, I'm uncomfortably aware that these are his last few days and hours on Earth. The free spirit in me wants to roll his bed out of the hospital and take him by all of the places he used to love, but the realist in me knows that he isn't going anywhere.

I can't quite mentally grasp what's happening right now. You can say it out loud a thousand times but it doesn't make it any easier or any less surreal. Never seeing him again isn't something I'm prepared for right now, but I don't think I ever would be. I think some things happen in life that you never become "okay" with, you just have to deal with it as best you can because you're given no other option. Forever is a long time.

Every photograph or item from before this chaos feels like it's from a different world. A world my Paps was part of. Now it just feels like the world is a giant puzzle that's missing a piece. We're misunderstood people and you made me feel like it was okay and like I wasn't alone. You were like a life vest to me.

Although it's too soon to fully accept what's happening, it's not too soon for regrets. I wish I'd been there more. Life gets so busy and hectic; there's always an excuse. You always think you have tomorrow. I'd even write it on my to-do list: "Check on Paps." The last time I saw my Paps before he went in the hospital, he was at his office sleeping. I didn't have the heart to wake him up. If I'd known this would happen, I definitely would've.

I also wish he had been around more. He loves his family, but he was never a stay at home kind of fellow. He is a worker at heart. He liked to be busy. He wanted to be out and about. He thrived on pressure and tension that would make me buckle. I hope some of that strength rubbed off on me somewhere along the way.

It's missing the little things that feels so scary right now. Who will I take the rest of my homemade soup to when I decide to make a big pot? Who will share in my joy of the perfect summer tomato? We didn't get many this year. I think of the little quirks that were either funny or irritating and I pray to God to let me hear or see them again, if only one more time. Wake up and talk to me, just one more time! There are so many things I need and want to say!

I want him to know he's my hero and that he always will be. I want him to know I love him and that I know he loves us, even though he was at work too much. I want him to know that I know he loved my Nana, even though he made mistakes in his marriage, and that she loves him too.

I want him to know I'll always protect my family to the best of my ability and that he can be at peace. I want him to know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make him proud, even though he was proud of me no matter what I did or how many times I failed. I will miss that unconditional love with no questions asked. I want him to know I appreciate all the things that he did for me, but that I still would've loved him if he couldn't have.

Looking at your loved one, helpless and suffering, never gets easier. Each time I think I might handle it differently. I don't stand there sobbing, I just freeze up. I think today, I held the hand of my hero one last time. The hands that were once so busy were still and cold. If I could go back and cherish every minute I had with you, I would. If I could give you the world's biggest hug, I would. If I could call you one last time for comfort over some random life event, I would.

Until it's over, I won't stop praying for a miracle and I hope all of my friends and family do the same. I've thought a lot about my Paps lately and who he was as a person. I want to hold onto the memories I have and the things he taught me, so I can continue to grow as a person because I know that's what he wants. So I want to share a few things I've learned, either by observation or him telling me so.

Things I've Learned From My Paps:

Be a person of few words and a lot of action.

Always love and protect your mother.

Don't be afraid to break a few rules.

Don't go down without a fight.

It's okay to have a messy desk.

You're not better than anyone, no matter what you have.

You often either have time or money, rarely both.

Don't be wasteful.

It's prounounced pa-sketti, not spaghetti.

Always protect children.

Be generous, even though people will speak badly of you anyway.

Never pull out a gun unless you plan on using it.

Make people afraid you'll put them in concrete boots if they cross you. :)

Love people unconditionally, even if you disagree with them.

Naps are good, so take them.. Especially when people are arguing and you don't want to be involved!

Post-Its are the best way to remember things.

Be someone who can keep a secret. A vault.

When I was a little girl, my Nana bought me a balloon and tied it on my wrist. When I got out of the car, it came untied and flew away. My Nana pointed out that I lost my balloon and I said, "It's okay. Papaw will get it for me." If you're too tired to keep fighting, it's ok, Paps. You can let go. If you can't bring the balloon back down to me this time, fly away with it. Give it to baby Paisley and hold her and love her and wait on the rest of us. I love you, Papaw.

-"Baby D 2"