No Missed Calls

I was listening to my iPod and started thinking about how many memories music brought back. When you're listening to a song from a certain period in your life, no matter how shallow or deep the song may be, it's almost as if you can close your eyes and be right back in those moments, the sights and smells. I can almost hear my friends cars pulling in the driveway of my apartment and hear my motion light click on as they're nearing the door. The new car smell of my Scion or my brother's Jetta comes right back to me. I love memories. Some I wish I could forget(the drunk, embarrassing ones), but most of them I remember fondly. After all, I'm only human. Mistakes were going to be made at one point or another.

As I was taking my trip down memory lane, I decided to get my old iPhone out to give to Rich because his is broken. I was going through it to clear out all of my old junk for him when I started to get curious and begin really browsing. Of course I deleted the old shopping lists, phone numbers and text messages, but then I came across something that I don't check often or pay much attention to at all: Voicemail.

This isn't a phone that I've been away from long, it's my iPhone 4 that I carried from 2010 until the end of 2012 and still use as an iPod in my Scion. But since I never check voicemails unless I catch it right as it's left, there were plenty on there to hear. I think there were about 40. I didn't listen to all of them, I just scrolled through to see what my life was like back then. Most of them were from my Nana and Papaw. My Papaw was very sick on this day so the messages from him really tugged at my heart. I continued through and heard messages from friends I barely remember and a few from an ex-boyfriend that I'd never checked during the breakup and those gave me the giggles, and actually a few answers. Who knew? It's crazy how much things can change in just a few short years. Things that broke your heart then don't break your heart now.

Right in the middle of the inbox were a few messages from my brother that I now don't get to see very much. I hesitated to listen to them because it's a very emotional subject for me. Just hearing his name can change my whole mood and day from happy to borderline suicidal. I suppose I'm a masochist because I decided to listen to them and several moments later I was surrounded by tissues on the couch as I lay listening to Evanescence. Amy Lee just "gets" me sometimes.

Right in the middle of my pity party, I had a moment of clarity and thought of something profound, to me at least. I looked again at my old phone full of life and messages and then checked my new phone. There were a few voicemails from family members, just along the lines of "Hey.. Call me back," lots of texts because that has replaced actual telephone voice-to-voice conversation now, and a few missed calls but just from Mom on her way home from work or Rich letting me know he was starting home.

When you're young, your phone is full of fun and secrets. It's always ringing and buzzing to the point that you're annoyed. Friends are calling to hang out or spread gossip and you're trying to decide where to go or who to chat with first. Always in a hurry. I used to get so irritated with my phone always ringing that I started, and still out of habit, keep it on silent. My best friend would call me over and over until I picked up, even if I was asleep. Now, from her, I have no missed calls. I barely have any calls from anyone at all. My phone is usually silent, besides Facebook(which is currently deactivated) or Twitter updates and text messages from my Mom, Nan, Rich or sometimes Timmy. Most of the people on Facebook and Twitter aren't even people that are in my everyday life, just online buddies.

I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy the annoying buzzing phone while it lasts because inevitably, all things come to an end. We get married, have children, get full-time jobs and at that point, time to call friends and gossip or plan a trip to the movies or mall is few and far between. Before you know it, those monumental people in your life have their own lives that are more important than talking to you on the phone. The phone calls I receive now are generally of a more somber nature.

If I could go back in time, I'd roll myself off of that couch I was sleeping on after a Wendy's binge and call that best friend back and tell her how much I loved and appreciated her and how proud I always was of her, because today, I don't have that opportunity. It's ancient history. She's gone and has no idea who I am anymore, it's clear by casually talking to her now. The person who knew me the most and talked to me all night, thinks things of me that would never be true. She now confides in others about her mistrust of me. I would go back to one of those days, and instead of going straight home from work because I was tired, I'd go over to their house and hang out for a while first. I now know I have all the time in the world to rest. I would drive over to my brother and just randomly hug him, talk about some stupid rap song from back in the day, and thank them both for seeing me through the bad times, just as I did for them.

I would make them promise, no matter how mad we got at each other, for things big or small, that we would always forgive and never lose touch. I would tell them that despite my shortcomings, I thought more of them than anyone else in the world for so long and that they were my support system. No one understood me quite like them, and now that I feel they don't understand, I feel it's impossible that anyone else would be able to. I'm a complicated mess full of bad habits and phobias but they seemed to accept me anyway. They saw me at my ugliest and my drunkest. The storm in my life is over now, I got sober many moons ago, but I still need people to talk to. People that understand and know my background. I can barely see anything without being reminded of an inside joke.

Time, we cannot get back. Those days are over and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now. I think, as humans, that's one of the saddest parts of life. Things and people change indefinitely, and also no one lives forever. You never know when the clock is going to run out and you're out of time to make things right. I know that from personal experience. I have another old friend that passed away. You never shake the feeling that maybe there's something you could have done to help or comfort them and you wonder if it would have changed anything. Of course if it did change anything, you wouldn't know, because the tragedy wouldn't have happened. Maybe we've helped more people than we know. Maybe that's something we'll find out at the end.

I wish I'd always let those important people know how much they meant to me before they left, not knowing what an impact they made on my life and what I would/did lose in their absence, because soon enough for most of us, we're sitting here married, old and on the couch with no missed calls. Cherish those youthful, innocent moments, no matter how good or bad they may seem. Someday, you'll miss the persistent, annoying phone calls.

I'm from the future, and I've come to tell you that declining the call is a bad idea.