I've saw a quote meme circulating online for quite sometime now that I only recently realized speaks volumes to me. Something to the effect of "Change the world with your smile but don't let the world change your smile."
This, unfortunately, has happened to me. Childhood is a time of fun, love and laughter but after high school is over the world changes dramatically. So long were the days of careless slumber and summer sun, and bid hello to a long work day for little pay or appreciation; not that I haven't had plenty of jobs where I was fulfilled and appreciated, I'm just speaking in general.
I used to be one of the most shy and delicate creatures in the world. I blushed when my name was called in class and hid behind my Nana's leg if someone tried to speak to me. In elementary school, I was voted Most Thoughtful. I was never very social, relying on my brother and family as company as well as the typical one best friend I had in school, never a group. Now that the family has aged a lot, friends are no longer made in school, some have died, and my brother has outcasted me, I have mainly my husband to rely on, which I suppose is how life goes. I got lucky in the supportive husband department.
After the innocence of youth, I began to develop severe anxiety, mainly social. I was always different and never truly felt accepted in school, but I had a very loving home. Somehow I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, which wasn't as hollow and lonely until I got older. Yes, here comes the part about how I filled the void with alcohol, but I'll spare the details for now and just say that it wasn't illegal or life-threatening, it was mainly my ego that suffered. That went on for three to four years, off an on, of course. I'm one year sober as of New Year's so that's a distant memory.
When I look back now to a younger version of myself, I don't even recognize her. It's as if so much time passes that you start to wonder if you ever knew yourself, or someone else, or if it was just a very vivid dream that you remember flashes of. I find and read old things that I've written and the only way to tell for sure it was me was my handwriting. The world today moves so fast these days that you lose yourself and when your head finally stops spinning, you catch yourself and think "Who am I?" Now I'm the first person to call someone out and although I don't apologize for standing up for myself, it's a heavy burden to carry around, being so defensive constantly. I always think someone dislikes me and often I'm correct. I'm an easy target with my family's reputation, my cars, home and iPhone I suppose? I would like you to know that my husband and I work very hard to maintain what we have now, we are independent.
I remember a day, more than 10 years ago, when I was with an old best friend, who is now deceased, and I'll never forget something that was said. I don't remember the content of the conversation, other than the fact that they laughed about the fact that I was an incurable optimist. I'd never noticed it before they pointed it out. I always thought things would get better, no matter how difficult the circumstance. I don't believe that anymore and I find myself trying to look on the bright side but secretly "knowing" the worst will occurr and thinking if I even try to think positive that I'll jinx myself and things will then get worse. How sad is that?!
I've been hardened by the world that each of us face everyday. The world is a scary and angry place. I've realized how hard money is to earn, it doesn't grow on a tree in Pap's backyard after all. You're a little fish in a big pond. I've learned that evil is out there and you risk meeting it, or a car crash, any time you walk out the door. On the other hand, you could be burglarized at your own home or a plane could crash right into your house. Happens all the time.. Happens sometimes. I've realized that the beautiful country we live in is divided, and I think they like it that way. It gives them a reason to argue and make, sometimes valid, points that make them feel special.
If I had the chance to go back, there are countless things I would change, but most of all I would tell myself not to let others' cruelty and disregard change my smile and my overall outlook on the world and life itself. Now after years of hurt and anger, I'm trying to backtrack and gain back some of my softness and trust. I'm trying to make the most out of what are most likely my beloved Papaw's final days/weeks/months/years, we don't know but he's very ill. Trying to care for him at this point has really brought me back down to Earth. He has cared for me and been my rock throughout my whole life and I would be ashamed if I wasn't there for him now. I want nothing in return except for him to know how much he's been appreciated and how much he has helped and made my life better. Being his granddaughter has always made me so proud. He's helped so many people, whether the masses will admit it or not and he's one of the strongest people I know. When he leaves me someday, I know it will not be because he wanted to or didn't fight.
I believe that the Lord sees everything that we do and that he knows our intention. Sometimes that's good, sometimes we should be ashamed! I believe we will pay for everything we do in life, good or bad, and I'm not speaking of our salvation, that's not my place. I think the universe has its own way of paying us back. This is what I'm struggling with right now. We're doing the right things and it seems like bad things are still happening to us constantly. Maybe it's just a test and things will be better soon and we will be stronger people in the end. I hope so. Until then, if I can just keep the things I have right now I will be content.
In closing, I just wanted to say, "Change the world with your smile. Don't let the world change your smile," that's what I'm trying to do and I think if more people got onboard and tried to help instead of casting stones, and attempt to see the positive in things, we may all be a happier people.
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